FATE: My Grandfather's Music

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints"
-Holy Bible

It had been a difficult time since October, coping with reality, not knowing what to do and how to do things recently. It is as if my lifeline had been sucked away from me, and to think I saw it all happen, the day my Tatay passed away.

Tatay was my lifesaver in every unfortunate situation. I admit I have been a very naughty, wild-and-free type of girl lately. I have been BAD, and because of the incidents I have been in, my parents lost some hope and trust.

But Tatay,...Oh, Tatay never lost his LOVE for me :'(
He still gave his full trust even if I knew all too well I don't deserve it.

Yes, people were crying when they knew he was gone, that he was in a better place. But people would never know the gravity of hurt I felt.

It was the 28th of October 2012, when all of this began.
It was in fact My Birthday.
It was Sunday and as usual I was late for church. I wore my favorite dress and as I walked to church that day I was thinking of the people who would never forget my special day.

As I walked in, my Lolo was in his usual place, sitting by the door, with his sleepy eyes and his smile, listening to the pastor's sermon.

He immediately grabbed my arm saying, "Inah, come with me today" with a smile. "Please fix my iPhone, I've heard there was a new version of Angry Birds"

I was then thinking, "Hala...Tatay forgot my birthday..." not knowing he was already in pain at that moment.

An hour after that, he grabbed my Lola's arm asking her if they could go home already, he wanted to rest. He said he felt weak, he had been saying that for weeks now.

I went home a bit lonely thinking it over and over again. No one remembered my day. I was too occupied with myself.

My mom then called me that Tatay has to be rushed to Pangasinan Doctors Hospital.

As I entered the Emergency Room, Tatay told me "I'm sorry Apo, Happy Birthday... I forgot about it. You know how old I am. I'm deeply sorry" We hugged.

I went home to get things for Tatay.

As I arrived the hospital, I was shocked to see that Tatay was in the ICU. My mom was crying, my Lola was praying by the hospital chapel. My dad was outside smoking his cigars.

I went by his bedside whispering, "Tay, I'm here oh...You have to get well. You'll still attend my graduation, right Tay?" with tears rolling down my eyes.

The doctor then issued a transfer to Villaflor in Dagupan. I heard my lola whisper in his ear while they were stabilizing him saying "We are going to transfer you into a suite room D"

"D" was for Dear.

I rode the ambulance with him, not thinking about anything but Tatay and God, Please help us GOD.

He even managed to joke around considering he was already vomiting and had acute diabetes.

I went home again deciding I wasn't going to work tomorrow.

I arrived at about 11pm that night. As I entered the ICU, my Aunt Rachel told me to watch over Tatay for a while because she was going to change her clothes. So I sat beside him watching all the lines connected to him, watching him snore, thinking Tatay will be okay soon enough.

He woke up suddenly when he noticed I stroke his hair. "Oh! Inah..." he said surprised with that usual smile on his face

This was the part that I regret the most, my reply, "Oh Tay! You need to rest daw po said the doctor"

By that time Tatay closed his eyes. About two minutes after that he vomited again. It was as if he wasn't my Tatay. He was choking. I HATE seeing him this way, because I always thought of him as a very strong person who always stood up eventually despite all the bumps in the road.

I saw the number in the machine lessen...50...40...30...

"NURSE???!!! Is he still ok???"

"Yes ma'am" without looking at my poor grandpapa.

35....

"ARE YOU SURE HE"S OK???!!!!" panicking.

"GUYS! GUYS! It's too low!!!"

20...Flat Zero...

I cried so hard, it was painful to watch them revive my lolo in front of me.

I ran to my parents, my aunt and my lola to inform them. They all ran to the ICU.

Ever since that time, he never woke up. He had a pulse and a blood pressure but he was in a state of Coma.

His last word was my name.

I was watching them the whole night as how my Lola was calm and praying, my mom was crying, my Aunt was wailing and the how the nurses administered full dose of epinephrine to make his heart beat and how they revived him every now and then.

I went home about 6 am to get some clothes. I actually had no sleep.

I was too tired that as I saw my bed I immediately fell asleep.

Until my dad woke me up saying,

"Tatay is gone..."

It was all a blur...a very BIG BLUR.

I still think I'm dreaming.

I immediately took a bath and went with my father to Dagupan. I looked around, thinking why is this Jeep so slow, I don't believe what they're saying. I want to see my grandfather with my own naked eyes.

I felt unstable. I arrived ICU the last time, with a very awful feeling. You know that feeling when you know what to expect of something, and you know it is gonna pull your world apart. As I walked, the nurses staring at me, I neared the cubicle he was in, I heard cries and I saw my young cousin, Mikee by the bedside on the floor crying and my older cousin Kimchi hugging and kissing our tatay.

At first I was in denial of the incident, I touched him and told him to please wake up. I held his hands and stroke his hair and massaged his feet as I always did back then when he was still "OK".

I hugged and kissed Tatay immediately when I realized what was happening with my tears running down my face. I was broken.

My Grandfather to me